I could say so much right now, but I won't say anything.

Except - Monique, I never want to speak to you or your pathetic husband again.

I hate people today, and I suspect I will hate people tomorrow as well, and for a long time after that.

I didn't ask to be in this situation to spite anybody. I didn't think this was some fucking sick contest. And I go, like a fucking idiot asking someone for a little bit of advice and incidentally that person makes me feel like swallowing so much cyanide.

UGHHHHHHH! And the only other female I tell decides to tell me that she would be so happy to be in my shoes. TAKE THE FRIGGING SHOES!!!! What is wrong with people? Is the world not crowded enough? Is 6 billion people not enough? Really?

But anyway, in other news, I guess to finally begin my own process of acceptance and getting on the road back to sanity...I went on ebay and bought a Pikachu outfit...for the potential thing. The outfit itself was 10 bucks but the shipping was 20. I still thought it was worth it though because it was super cute. And if it turns out the potential thing doesn't happen then I'll give it to somebody for a halloween costume. Those damn things seem to be popping up everywhere anyway. Fucking nature, damn bitch.

I also saw a cool beanie like the one Dawn wears on Platinum, with the matching scarf, but I didn't get it because it wasn't an authentic Pokemon product. I will find that beanie, and I will wear it, even if its the middle of summer and I'm as big as a walrus.

So, I have decided, out of extreme boredom and sickness (probably the plague) that I'm going to start doing those fun journal promps every day (or whenever I feel it, like to be completely honest).

So I started reading the ones they had here on livejournal. I read today's:

Do you believe in true love? Do you believe in love at first sight?

And when I read that, I decided I'm going to go to a different journal prompt site with something a little less cliche, boring, useless, but still post it here.

Alright!!!
So here is a nice little list of journal prompt sites.

(((Ok, so far, no luck on my search. All the sites I'm finding are bullshit or they don't work anymore. Hold on, give me a minute, I know I saw a really cool one a long time ago. If only I could find it...)))

Ok, so here is one.
http://www.writingfix.com/Classroom_Tools/dailypromptgenerator.htm
Well, I clicked on it a few times and I guess I'm just not in the mood to write because nothing is catching my attention. Sigh, oh well.

Too many damn websites. Geez.

Why can't we go back to the beginning, when Al Gore's internet was brand spanking new? :$

I am so sick, I'm delirious. I thought I would write in case I die before Aaron gets off of work at 7 today. I dont know what Im going to do til then. I may have to leave the house as much as I don't want to.

10 DAYS TIL POKEMON PLATINUM!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am creaming my pants that I'm not wearing just thinking about it. It just so happens that the 16th is Monday and I'm always off on Mondays so I will be hitting that shit up for as long as I can. I'm already trying to figure out what kind of team I want. I'm assuming it's going to be the Sinnoh region as well as D/P so here are some teams:
(By the way, I have decided my starter this time is going to be turtwig because he just rocks. I did piplup in Diamond and chimchar just sucks, so turtwig it is)

-Turtwig
-Glaceon
-Arcanine
-Pikachu (of course, gotta keep at least one classic)
--(Not sure about the water pokemon yet, might trade for a piplup)
-roserade as a healer


KHFAKJSLHFEAUIHAJSKCNWDIHOIJQWC I am so exited. I now have another 300 hours of entretainment. Well, I will on next monday.

Still confused about everything.

This has been an interesting week so far.

Ugh, too much to write....

So yesterday was pretty fun.

I went to Tsubaki with Sean from work and he was wasted and funny. Hilarious. "Saki Saki Saki" was all that was coming out of his mouth, that and he accidentally did the wave physically when it was supposed to be a Saki wave. Monday nights are going to rock from now on.

However, after I had a great time over there, I went to Artmosphere to meet Mat and return his beloved black beanie. Upon entering, Matt was up to something strange. Handing me shots, putting his hand on my fucking leg.

I seriously thought that I was going to get raped.

But all is well, I didn't get raped. Now I just want to kill Matt. I hope he gets his nasty ass skull opened by a very blunt object.

Other than all of that...

Susie is going to have to be put down.
So that's it...

just remembered something. A miniscule little detail that may be nothing but actually may be everything.

Heh.

How could I have overlooked that?

Hello! Ok, I take that fuck you man back. And I think I over reacted over nothing.

I just realized I'm not completely satisfied and I would like to give a big FUCK YOU to a certain Zomeone. So..

F
U
C
K

Y
O
U

M
A
N
!
!
!


God! I wish I could say that to his face without seeming a little psychotic.

I think I just need to quit trying to be something I'm not, but I didn't think I was trying to be something other than myself. To be honest, I really am not sure of what myself is anymore.

I'm very very confused. This is all very very confusing. It's like...you spill your drunk little heart out to someone thinking they are really listening and then...it turns out they were listening but only to certain bits and pieces. Irrelevant bits and pieces, to be honest. But then again, were they irrelevant? I must have said those "irrelevant" things for a reason. maybe I'm just an asshole too, only, I'm a confused asshole. I'm the kind of asshole that gets fucked in the end, and I don't mean that literally. I mean fucked in a bad way. Like "Oh shit, I'm fucked, why did I even get myself into this situation?"

A very easily avoidable situation.

Fucking Petes.

You know? I'm starting to hate Petes. And Bud Light. Especially Miller Light...foul temptress.

I am never ever ever going to drink Miller Light again. In fact, I'm going to buy all the Miller Light in the world and then step on each individual bottle and can until its all absorbed into the earth.

And then I'm going to bury a certain Zomeone in the Miller Light cemetary...alive.

This doesn't make me feel any better.

I must have another cigarette.
*Lights cigarrete* actually, that's a lie. I haven't lit it yet.
Welp, it's lit.
Like my soul.

And you know what else I hate? Liars. I'm one of them, but then again I'm not very fond of myself right now. Or maybe I am, I could be lying. I can't even differenciate the truth from the lies anymore.

I'm very vulnerable. And I'm not very good at pretending to be strong. I tried for like two days and it was working, then I called Ann Kat and finally cried. It didn't last long, but they were very hot tears. And not sexy hot, but passionate hot. Not passionate like oh yeah, chemistry, passionate. but emotion filled. Like all the emotions I had been suppressing this week just came flooding out from my eyes.

I wasted something I said I wouldn't. My good time card has been shredded. I officially don't even make sense to myself.

Who knew something so insignificant could turn to something so big? Something so playful could turn to something so serious? Something so out of the blue could turn out to be a big subconscious plan?

I feel really good about the fact that I'm trying to form coherent sentences. They make sense to me but that's only because I'm the only one who knows the whole story. A story that I don't feel like getting into. It's not a long story...but it's long enough to overwhelm me.

I'm sure I'm just going through all the motions. I'm sure this is just a part of this great big process of defeat and surrender.
I'm sure there is a grand scheme to all of my strange mishaps this week. Maybe I'll just get better at it with time.

But for a second, for a small tiny eternal second, I actually felt sane. I felt like I knew what I was doing. I felt like I was in control. What happened? Where did I lose the control? Was it today? Was it the fact that I didn't get what I wanted? That maybe I felt rejected? Rejection on top of rejection on top of rejection is not cool. It can very quickly and easily make you want to hibernate.

But whatever made me snap, it didn't feel good. It made me feel more alone than ever. When for that eternal second I felt completely content. And I know why, of course. I felt like my fear of being alone wouldn't have to be dealt with. How silly of me, right? To just cling, all of a sudden? What was I thinking? I'm such an idiot. Seriously, I feel like such an idiot. I'm probably going to be an awkward little girl for the rest of my life. But to be used the way I feel like I was? Was I even used? Am I making all of this up? Is there even a problem? Am I just creating problems, like Aaron always said I do? I just, I guess, didn't see this coming. I feel like the night is never going to be over.

I don't know what I miss. I think I miss being able to fall asleep without anyone else in the bed. i think I miss feeling independent...but when have I ever felt independent? I mean, I moved out of my parent's house and then I moved in with Aaron, at 17. Now I'm 20 and I feel like I have no experience with any of this. I don't know how these things are done, I feel stupid. I honestly feel like I'm a homeless freshman. I like that - homeless freshman - I might title this entry that.

But yeah. I want to be able to sleep alone and enjoy, but I can't. It's very frustrating and I think it's going to turn me into the biggest slut there is.

I'm telling you...two months from nowI'll turn into what I've never wanted to be. I've already started and...
you know? I almost know where April was coming from. I almost understand why she is the way she is. And that is because men are horrible. Men are fucking horrible. Men suck the life out of you, then they give you an eternal second of happiness and then they suck it right back out again.

And then you have the stupid glimpse of a memory of that second and you wish it would last forever.

Nothing means anything these days, I think. Everything is just plastic, disposable. So easy to find replacements.

I hate being a stupid Cancer, I feel too goddamn much.

So, I havent written on this thing in maybe three centuries.
The keys are really loud, I might not write much just to not disturb myself.

Things have taken a drastic turn for the . . . for the...what?

I'm not living with Aaron anymore, I moved in with Maugie. Not really moved in yet, but I've been sleeping here sometimes. well, just tonight. Last night...

Some crazy shit has been going on. I don't really quite know how to process everything that is happening and I'm going from my anxious "oh shit" phase to my apathetic phase. This has probably been the longest week of my life because it has been so packed.

But everything has just turned out to be a great dissappointment. maybe I'm just running ahead of myself. There is always tomorrow I guess- Super Saturday. I think I am having some serious self esteem issues though.

I'm very glad that I have my retainers. Everything could be going wrong in my life but somehow my retainers make me feel a little under control. It's like "Well, your four year relationship just went down the toilet along with its plans for the future, and you were a little too naiive because you had a sudden need for affection. Now your broken heart is even more broken-burnt to cinders, almost- but at least you have your retainers and your teeth aren't going anywhere."

I'm losing my mind. And my back hurts.




But, you know, at least my teeth aren't going anywhere.